I am a humor columnist in need of some humor this week.
Usually I’m out and about and find all sorts of funny things, but that’s not been happening the past two weeks. I’ve just about used up all the humor my husband, David, has to offer and we’re just looking forward to watching a new “Chicago P.D.” this week.
In scraping the bottom of the barrel of my brain, I decided I could write about things you should not do while self-isolating and socially distancing. Surely there are some general rules civilization should follow as the virus numbers rise.
No. 1 on the list is not to cut your own hair, even your bangs. No, no, no.
I truly think it is better in most cases to tuck the bangs behind the ear if they get too long and find a rubber band in the junk drawer and return to the pony tail of your teenage years. I think David might have soon do this too.
My sister keeps sending me pictures of what everyone’s hair is going to look like a month from now, heaven forbid, if we have been forced to cut our own hair. They are all some version of Imogene Coca and Linda Hunt. Google them. That will give you something to do while your bangs grow even longer.
I read in one month everyone will know the real color of everyone’s hair. Not me. I grabbed two boxes of hair dye during my last trip to Walmart, so I can last maybe six months.
Maybe longer. I just Googled how to dye hair naturally and the answers are coffee or tea (don’t drink or have either), herbs, beet and carrot juice, henna, lemon juice and walnut shells. That can of pickled beets in the back of my fridge I will save for the end of the year.
I always wanted to try purple hair.
And don’t wax your own eyebrows. It just might turn out like when my teenage daughter decided to provide that service for me years ago. She ripped the paper off, her eyes grew wide and she said, “Oh no.” It took weeks for my eyebrow to grow back.
My Facebook friends offered a few ideas too. Apparently, a lot of people are sitting around and eating more than they usually do. Even my daughter Mary Susan, who is health conscious and follows a “clean eating” regime, has succumbed to too many Cadbury eggs.
I saw a meme this week that warned people to remember when swimsuit season begins that the gyms were closed during the Reese’s peanut butter eggs season.
I don’t have, or have not had, any chocolate candy in the house during this Easter candy season. Once it’s in the house, it is a slippery slope I cannot resist, no way, no how.
Other friends suggested not wearing jeans and just join the quarantined hordes hanging out in sweat pants. I think that has something to do with the overeating. Sweat pants don’t mind if you overeat.
Again a slippery slope. Mary Susan did say she followed a suggestion to try on her jeans every three or four days to make sure they still fit.
I wonder how many Cadbury eggs it takes to go up a size in jeans. Luckily, the fashion trends seem to be going back to the pleated jeans of the 90s instead of today’s skinny jeans. Mary Susan is aghast at that, but she may find it a necessity before it’s all over.
Another person suggested being sure you do not tune in to a work conference call from the bathroom. She hadn’t done it, yet, but it is a fear of hers.
My daughter-in-law with four daughters advised against teaching children a highly competitive game they could become addicted to. She is now tired of Monopoly Deal, while I would love to be able to play Monopoly Deal, or any games, with a couple of grandkids. You always want what you can’t get.
I now think I might have to break of couple of the suggestions. I found a jar of marshmallow cream left over from Christmas baking and I might make fudge.
It’s not even fudge season. I’m not even that crazy about fudge anymore. But the best buy date on the jar is approaching and I don’t feel like I can be wasteful when the egg shelves are empty at grocery stores.
It’s either that or cut my bangs. Surely everyone would vote for the fudge. And America is counting on me to make the most of a bad situation.
Elzey is a freelance writer for the Register & Bee. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org or (434) 791-7991.