Hundreds of dignitaries, diplomats, researchers and others with big brains and bigger titles gathered in Geneva on Oct. 21 for a gala wing-ding to formally celebrate the world’s biggest scientific gizmo, an atom smasher called the Large Hadron Collider

There is precious little time remaining to pen a ridiculous, often hate-filled crackpot political letter to the editor packed with idiotic half truths and outright lies.

Ever had “aromatic fig and cassis body butter applied after a warm, tension-releasing back compress?”

I rarely seek out any book that “uncovers the precipice of everday prattle in the quest for the melancholic soul of the female experience.”

I was waiting in line at the truck stop along with every other knucklehead swept up in the panic of the Great Southeastern Gas Shortage of Early Fall 2008 when my mind wandered

You could be Tasered.

Around the world, hundreds if not thousands of dogs, our beloved, furry companions who ask for little more than a can of congealed beef byproducts and an occasional belly scratch, are being forced into marriage

Here’s how I figured it would happen: I’m sitting in a greasy spoon off some steaming Georgia blacktop, flirting with a red-headed waitress and waiting on a diablo sandwich and a Dr. Pepper

America, our God-given right to eat hot dogs without worry is under siege.

My only other marketable skill is frying hushpuppies at the fish camp, is the cutback in good, old-fashioned monkey coverage.

Note from Scott: Here’s the winner of the Write Scott Hollifield’s Column While He is On Vacation or Performing His Court-Ordered Community Service Contest as chosen by a panel of semi-experts. View and comment on all the columns by going to http://www.mcdowellnews.com and clicking on the Write Scott’s

All entries are in for the Second Annual Write Scott Hollifield’s Column While He Is On Vacation Or Performing Court-Ordered Community Service Contest

I thought I had it bad, but some of you at one time or another have transformed into one huge, hideous blister, shunned by family and friends and forced to live in outbuildings so no one could hear your agonizing cries and see your incessant scratching.

The key to my happiness was missing.

Back by popular demand — and, yes, I consider one demand to be wildly popular — it’s the Write Scott’s Column While He Is On Vacation or Performing His Court-Ordered Community Service Contest.