Humor: Scott Hollifield

Scott Hollifield
Media General News Service
Published: December 1, 2008

It’s heartening to know during the holiday season, when I need to knock out a column as quickly as possible to spend at least a little time with my dysfunctional family, that monkeys are still doing their part to make this world a better place.

According to insufferably cute videos sent to me by several members of the Monkey Action News Team, readers who scour the planet via the Internet for monkey-related news they know I will enjoy and perhaps turn into a quickly written holiday-season column, Anjana the chimp has adopted two white Bengal tiger cubs at Florida’s Jungle Island, playfully roughhousing with them, comforting them when they cry and even bottle feeding them at supper time.

“She picked up on the fact that I’m taking care of the babies so she wants to take care of them,“ China York, a trainer at Jungle Island, told what must have been at least one legitimate news organization before the story, photos and video blew up all over the Internet for people like me to cherry pick for easy columns. “She’s not necessarily maternal but she’s really gentle with them. She likes to pet them and see how they’re doing and if they’re crying she gives them a finger to pacify on like you would a baby.“

The cubs were separated from their mother by (according to one video) a hurricane or because (according to another video) mama tiger had become too aggressive.

Like any caring monkey (and, yes, I continue to use the informal, catch-all term “monkey” though not technically correct, so get over it, pointy-headed kid who corrected me in front of the whole class in fifth grade), Anjana stepped in to do her part. It’s a selfless act of love that proves that, aside from those chimps that sometimes maim and kill people, monkeys are among the greatest animals on the planet.

I rank them right up there with dogs, and I’m a dog man. Not literally a dog man as the result of some genetic experiment gone wrong, but a dog man in the sense that I enjoy the companionship of man’s best friend.

Dogs, though, have an unfortunate tendency to shoot people.

The latest mishap occurred Nov. 22 in Portland, Ore., according to The Associated Press, the source I turn to for anything that will let me quickly knock out a holiday-season column so I can spend at least a little time with my dysfunctional family.

A 23-year-old Oregon man was standing in Tillamook Bay at the beginning of duck-hunting season when his 3-year-old Lab jumped in the boat and set off his 12-gauge shotgun. The man, who is recovering from wounds to his legs and hindquarters, said he bears no ill will because it was an accident and the Lab is a good dog.

I know for a fact a dog would never intentionally shoot anyone, unlike a cat, who will pop a cap in your %$#% just for looking at him sideways.

My extensive research of available databases (two minutes on Google) does show that dog-triggered gun mishaps are not uncommon. Similar accidents occurred over the past eight years in Tennessee, Texas, Florida and Minnesota.

Conversely, I found no recorded incidents in which a monkey shot a man (though I did stumble across the actual headline “Man Shoots Wife, Mistakes Her For Monkey,“ pretty good fodder for a future holiday column).

We all know that monkeys, with their well documented intelligence and undeniable charm, could easily obtain a Federal Firearms License or simply scamper into a gun show, negotiate a deal with a private individual and emerge with an assault rifle and begin obliterating those who gawk at them at zoos.

But they don’t. They instead take care of orphan tiger cubs and provide column material to those of us who just want to quickly knock out something during the holiday season so we can spend at least a little time with our dysfunctional families.

Once again, thank you, monkeys - and the Monkey Action News Team - for all you do.