Humor: Readers strut their comic stuff

Scott Hollifield
Media General News Service
Published: August 13, 2008

All entries are in for the Second Annual Write Scott Hollifield’s Column While He Is On Vacation Or Performing Court-Ordered Community Service Contest, and an expert panel of literary and journalism professionals are at this moment debating each entry, arguing vehemently over symbolism and allegories and the underlying meaning of the term “dog snot.”

Well, maybe not. I’m actually just trying to milk this thing for all it’s worth because it’s fun. Those who have been doing all the heavy lifting may not think so. News Diva Holly Ramsey and Interactive Media Femme Fatale Erin Kestner (note to Human Resources: Hollifield needs to see the video again) have, respectively, typed entries that came by mail and posted everything — be it from snail mail, e-mail and carrier pigeon — to a Web site for the world to see. They no longer speak to me.

Next week, the winner of the column contest will appear in this spot and receive a fabulous prize package of fairly worthless newspaper promotional items, most of which are made in China and may or may not contain dangerous levels of lead.  But now it’s time to hand out some individual awards. The envelope, please.

Best Introduction To A Column: Chet Hall, Casselberry, Fla.
“I have never read your column,” writes Chet, who describes himself as a lazy smart a**. “My sister, who lives in Winston-Salem, sent me a clipping with your contest.”
Chet goes on to explain that he recently retired from the Postal Service and “did everything
possible (i.e., taking the kids to the local barber college for free haircuts, cooking up and freezing 8 pounds of nearly expired ‘clearance’ bacon) so that I could retire at 55 and pursue my dream (perpetual summer vacation, afternoon naps, a little fishing, abusing the ‘free samples’ demos at the supermarket and whatever else comes to mind once the morning coffee is all gone).”
Chet, you are my new hero.

Best Use Of The Suggested Extra Credit Column Topics Dear To My Heart (Monkeys, goats, suspect parental decisions, classic country music, 70s muscle cars, firearms, the collected works of Burt Reynolds, zombies, common implements that can be used to beat the dog snot out of someone, dog snot, women in prison movies, odd customs of our friends in other lands, super models, names that start with an E, robots, Big Foot, the sublime beauty of the movie “Road House,” Ric Flair, beer, pepper spray and chicken wire): Chuck Hagerty, Goode, Va., and Bill Cissna, Kernersville, N.C.
These are works of art. Check them out online at http://tinyurl.com/5ac542 and http://tinyurl.com/6nmbv9.

Most Hilariously Disturbing Interaction Between A Fictional Grandpa And Grandkid That Kind Of Reminds Me Of My Own Upbringing: Brenda Uldrick, Tobaccoville, N.C.
“Shortly, he came out with two beers and some potato chips, hence we sat in the grass and I had my first beer at the ripe old age of eight,” wrote Brenda. “After we finished, he asked me if I’d like to learn how to shoot the shotgun. Well of course I did! What half drunk eight year old wouldn’t?”
Husband Of The Year Award: Mark Glover, Waynesboro, Va., who asked that his entry be chosen over one submitted by his wife, Melissa. When cautioned this could cause marital strife, Mark replied, “I love my wife, but I’ve never won anything in my life, so I’m willing to take the chance.”

Best Use Of A Steve Earle Lyric: Ellie Lambert, St. George, Utah. (It’s OK. She’s originally from Georgia.)
“Mama said the pistol is the devil’s right hand,” Ellie wrote. “She also said if you’re gonna try to shoot a smoke out of your little brother’s mouth, better wear your sawin’ goggles for protection. Wouldn’t want that red hot cig to come bouncin’ back into your eyeball.”
I could go on, considering the high quality of the entries, but I hear vacation calling. Thanks to everyone who played along. Again, you can see all the entries at http://www.mcdowellnews.com. Next week, read the winning column right here.

Scott Hollifield is editor/general manager of The McDowell News in Marion, N.C. Contact him at P.O. Box 610, Marion, N.C. 28752 or e-mail .