Humor: It’s time again for ‘Write Scott’s column contest’

Scott Hollifield
Published: July 9, 2008

Back by popular demand — and, yes, I consider one demand to be wildly popular — it’s the Write Scott’s Column While He Is On Vacation or Performing His Court-Ordered Community Service Contest.

Last summer, faced with the challenge of writing two columns in one week to plug this hole while I was on vacation, thereby satisfying my contractual obligation to “provide semi-amusing ramblings on a weekly basis,” I came up with what I thought was a brilliant scam, I mean plan: Get a reader to write one for me. I offered the winner a fabulous prize package of fairly worthless newspaper promotional materials and the opportunity to take my spot in some of the finest publications currently thumbed through and tossed into recycling bins across the Southeast.

I figured less work and a carefree vacation for me. I was wrong. Instead of the five or six entries I thought I would get, I received well over 100 I had to read and rank. Media types, ecstatic to have concrete evidence that people actually read stuff in the newspaper these days, decided there should be a Web site where readers could view all the entries. That meant even more work. Because many of the submitted columns were very, very good, picking a winner turned out to be an agonizing decision. When it was over, I made myself this promise: No more Write Scott’s Column Contests ever.

Then came a recent conversation that went something like this:

“Scott, I suppose you’re wondering why I called you here today.”

“Yes, sir, it is the men’s room.”

“That’s because my office is being fumigated. But that’s beside the point. What’s this nonsense I hear about you not having a Write Scott’s Column Contest this year?”

“Sir, it’s just too much work.”

“Poppycock!”

“Poppycock, sir?”

“Yes, I’m a fictional, stereotypically pompous media executive and I say, ‘Poppycock!’ I suppose you’ve heard of the downturn in newspaper advertising and massive industry-wide layoffs. We’ve paid millions of dollars to high-priced consultants and they’ve all reached the same conclusion. The only way to save the newspaper industry from economic ruin is to have more ill-conceived, sketchy contests like yours. Now, get out there and run that contest!”

So, here we go again. The rules are the same as last year. Write a column between 650 and 700 words. Send it to or mail it to Write Scott’s Column, P.O. Box 610, Marion, N.C. 28752 by Wednesday, July 30. Make sure you include your name, address and telephone number.
There are no restrictions on topics, but contestants can earn extra points for touching on one or more of the following subjects dear to my heart:
Monkeys
Goats
Suspect parental decisions
Classic country music
70s muscle cars
Firearms (preferably, the misuse of)
The collected works of Burt Reynolds
Zombies
Common implements that can be used to beat the dog snot out of someone (tire tools, hoe handles, claw hammers, log chains, etc.)
Dog snot
Women-in-prison movies
Odd customs of some of our friends in other lands.
Super models
Names that start with an E (Eugene, Earl, Elma, Elvis, Ebenezer, Efrem, Eduardo, Ernest, Elvin, etc.)
New topics for extra credit this year include:
Robots
Bigfoot (Either the mythical beast or the monster truck)
The sublime beauty of the movie “Road House.”
Ric Flair
Beer
Pepper spray
Chicken wire

A panel of experts (or people who happen to walk by my office) will help me choose the winner, and his or her column will appear (if editors at other newspapers cooperate) in my spot in August while I am on vacation or at the unemployment office due to massive, industry-wide layoffs. The winner will also receive a fabulous prize package of fairly worthless newspaper promotional materials, if newspapers still exist in August.

So, why are you still reading? It’s writing time, people. You’ve got a deadline to meet.

• Scott Hollifield is editor/general manager of The McDowell News
in Marion, N.C. Contact him at P.O. Box 610, Marion, N.C. 28752
or e-mail .