Humor: A warning to readers who are contemplating getting naked and unruly

By SCOTT HOLLIFIELD
Media General News Service
Published: September 24, 2008

A warning to readers who are contemplating getting naked and unruly: You could be Tasered.

As one of the few professional journalists who has not been laid off (as of this writing), I try to spot important trends in the news - failing financial institutions, government watchdogs doing the dirty boogie with the watchdogees, previously unknown bespectacled Alaskan women rocketing to the forefront of national politics - and explain them to you, the reader, in a way that leads you to believe I know what I’m talking about when nine times out of 10 I don’t.

Today, we examine the relatively new trend of zapping the naked and unruly with a Taser, the popular electric shock device used by law enforcement to subdue suspects and entertain people on YouTube.

While the naked and unruly have been around since the dawn of man, hammering them with 50,000 volts of electricity gained popularity only after the development of the Thomas A. Swift Electric Rifle, or Taser.

It’s not without controversy. The National Association for the Ethical Treatment of the Naked and Unruly calls it “a totally unnecessary and inhumane response to a situation that is best handled by simply ignoring the naked and unruly subject or, in a worst-case scenario, pointing and laughing.”

But a law enforcement official, speaking on condition of anonymity, defended the usually non-lethal practice.

“Last week, I put down three Shriners and a Packers fan,” he said.

Yes, I made up the organization and the police spokesperson for admittedly weak comedic effect, but the following are actual examples of the naked and unruly being Tasered.

According to the Tallahassee (Fla.) Democrat, a 40-year-old man was zapped last week after police found him walking his dog in the nude and refusing to follow an officer’s command, which presumably was to put on some pants.

His explanation for the breezy stroll?

“Allah told me to watch a Bruce Willis movie and walk the dog,” he told the officer.

I’m no theologian, but I don’t see Allah as a big fan of “The Last Boy Scout.”

In Sun Valley, Idaho, police lit up a man who “kind of went berserk in the hallway” of the Sun Valley Inn, according to the town’s police chief, throwing broken glass, spitting and making threats.

“We had a naked crazy man and ended up Tasing and arresting him,” the chief told the Idaho Mountain Express.

Reports that the man had earlier rented “Die Hard 2” at the Sun Valley Blockbuster could not be confirmed.

Following a call about a suspicious man in the neighborhood, police found a Nixa, Mo., resident lounging nude in an abandoned house and Tasered him twice during a confrontation, The News-Leader of Springfield. Mo. reported.

The suspect said he “was inside the house, felt dirty and sweaty, so he decided to take a shower.” There was later a protracted standoff.

It was unclear whether his actions were divinely inspired.

A Shippensburg, Pa., man will be arraigned Nov. 25 on numerous charges after police say he walked naked into a Sheetz convenience store and ate a Slim Jim and a bag of potato chips and guzzled a bottle of Gatorade before manhandling a clerk, The Sentinel of Cumberland County reported.

The newspaper said he was “later subdued with a Taser after he fled from police twice near his residence.”

I know many of you at this point are asking, “Scott, how do I keep from getting Tasered while naked and unruly?”

Here are some tips from an expert:

1. Don’t get naked.

2. If you do get naked, play by the rules.

3. If a deity asks you to watch a Bruce Willis movie and walk the dog while naked, politely inquire whether there is some other task that will keep you from eternal damnation.

4. If you lounge naked around an abandoned house, keep a pair of sweatpants within reach and cooperate with officers.

5. If you are naked, stay out of convenience stores because if the cops show up with a Taser, the Sheetz will hit the fan.

Scott Hollifield is editor/general manager of The McDowell News in Marion, N.C. Contact him at P.O. Box 610, Marion, N.C. 28752 or e-mail .