Check out the summer movie meter

Kevin Walker
Media General News Service
Published: May 20, 2008

equels! Reboots! Unnecessary adaptations of television shows! This summer - like most summers before it - is filled with brainless cinematic candy projected onto a giant screen for your viewing pleasure.

This year, we thought we’d take a stab at foretelling how good the films will be with our Quality Prediction. The movies are listed in order from “looks painful” to “looks promising.”

“You Don’t Mess With the Zohan” (June 6)

Stars: Adam Sandler, Henry Winkler, Rob Schneider

Director: Dennis Dugan

Plot: An Israeli counter-terrorism officer - a “Rembrandt with a grenade” - fakes his death and moves to America to become a hair stylist.

QP: The trailer positions Zohan as half Borat/half Chuck Norris. That’s not exactly mixing chocolate with peanut butter (i.e., a good idea).

“Step Brothers” (July 25)

Stars: Will Ferrell, John C. Reilly

Director: Adam McKay

Plot: Two 30-something guys move in together after their single parents marry each other.

QP: As always, it all depends on your Ferrell-tolerance factor. Mine’s low.

“The Happening” (June 13)

Stars: Mark Wahlberg, Zooey Deschanel

Director: M. Night Shyamalan

Plot: In the near future, people are on the run from a worldwide disaster of some sort.

QP: Until he proves himself again, Shyamalan (“The Sixth Sense”) will be on the wrong end of this sort of list.

“Sex and the City” (May 30)

Stars: Sarah Jessica Parker, Kim Cattrall, Cynthia Nixon, Kristin Davis

Director: Michael Patrick King

Plot: Carrie’s getting married! Miranda needs a wax! Charlotte’s pregnant! Samantha likes sex!

QP: The fantasy of wealth, beauty and privilege continues. Unfortunately, so do the cliches and sitcom-y humor.

“The Incredible Hulk” (June 13)

Stars: Ed Norton, Liv Tyler, Tim Roth, William Hurt

Director: Louis Leterrier

Plot: After Ang Lee’s disappointing 2003 “Hulk” movie, Marvel reboots the series. Norton is Bruce Banner, a man bathed in gamma rays that unleash the beast within.

QP: It needs to be special to justify bringing back one of Marvel’s weakest characters. Norton’s presence, however, is a good start.

“Tropic Thunder” (Aug. 15)

Stars: Ben Stiller, Jack Black, Robert Downey Jr., Nick Nolte

Director: Ben Stiller)

Plot: Through a series of improbable plot turns, a group of actors filming a war movie end up in a real battle. The cast includes Black as a comedian and Downey as a critically acclaimed actor surgically altered to play a black man.

QP: Downey is funny in the trailer, but beyond that this looks either a) not funny, or b) embarrassingly not funny.

“Kung Fu Panda” (June 6)

Stars: Voices of Jack Black, Jackie Chan, Dustin Hoffman

Directors: Mark Osborne and John Stevenson

Plot: A lazy panda bear (Black) joins a kung fu master’s (Chan) elite squad of students (all animals).

QP: We hold out hope that it will be a decent movie for the kids.

“Hancock” (July 2)

Stars: Will Smith, Charlize Theron

Director: Peter Berg

Plot: Smith plays a reluctant and offensive superhero.

QP: Some here loved the trailer, others found it lame. I lean toward lame. But it will make lots of money.

“The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian” (May 16)

Stars: Tilda Swinton, Liam Neeson, Ben Barnes, Eddie Izzard

Director: Andrew Adamson

Plot: The Pevensie siblings return to Narnia, where 1,300 years have passed and they must help Prince Caspian defeat the evil King Miraz.

QP: Like the first one, this “Harry Potter”/“Lord of the Rings” hybrid looks solid.

“Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” (May 22)

Stars: Harrison Ford, Karen Allen, Cate Blanchett

Director: Steven Spielberg

Plot: Indiana Jones returns to ... does it really matter? He’ll beat people up and look for treasure.

QP: Hard to imagine Spielberg screwing this up, but we thought the same about “War of the Worlds.”

“Wall-E” (June 27)

Stars: Voices of Fred Willard. Jeff Garlin, Sigourney Weaver

Director: Andrew Stanton

Plot: A lonely robot, left to clean up Earth after humans have left, meets a girl ‘bot and goes on an adventure.

QP: It sounds ridiculous, but never bet against Pixar.

“Pineapple Express” (Aug. 8)

Stars: Seth Rogen, James Franco

Director: David Gordon Green

Plot: A stoner and his dealer go on the run after the stoner sees a policeman commit murder.

QP: This looks like the best comedy of the summer, unless it’s “Get Smart.” Wouldn’t it be nice if both were funny?

“The X-Files: I Want To Believe” (July 25)

Stars: David Duchovny, Gillian Anderson

Director: Chris Carter

Plot: Few details are known, but it’s a “stand-alone” story, not part of the alien/government conspiracy mess that bogged down the series and the first film.

QP: The stand-alone stories were always better, anyway. I’m actually letting expectations rise, even with the unreliable Carter in control.

“Get Smart” (June 20)

Stars: Steve Carell, Anne Hathaway

Director: Pete Segal

Plot: Incompetent Control agent Maxwell Smart battles the forces of Kaos with fetching and competent Agent 99 (Anne Hathaway).

QP: TV shows transferred to the big screen usually spell trouble, but the trailer is funny and the cast is solid.

“The Dark Knight” (July 18)

Stars: Christian Bale, Heath Ledger, Michael Caine, Gary Oldman

Director: Christopher Nolan

Plot: Batman vs. The Joker. What else do you need to know?

QP: Ledger looks mesmerizing as The Joker, and the great cast and creative team from 2005’s “Batman Begins” is back. Don’t let us down.